10-MINUTE MAKEOVER by Sandra de Helen
©Sandra de Helen
CAST OF CHARACTERS (5F):
ABBY: Caucasian woman, age 50. Bedhead hair, multiple (apparently) permanent tattoos,stretched earlobe holes, navel ring, facial piercings, wrinkles.
RUBY: 25 year old daughter of Abby. Mixed race.
METTA LK: 35-40 year old female talk show host. Any ethnicity.
WALK-ON1: African-American woman, about 50 years old, any size. Also plays Voice-over Announcer; Make-over Artist1; and Madonna 2030.
WALK-ON2: Any ethnicity, any age. Also plays Make-over Artist2; Madonna 1982 and Madonna 2006. [Madonna 1982/Madonna 2006 are distinguished by a sign worn around the neck]
SPECIAL NOTE RE COSTUMES AND WIGS:
Costumes of 2030 consist of a solid color unitard, and three pieces of clothing made ofstretchy knit fabric. A top can be worn several ways (see sketches): strapless, one shoulder covered, or both shoulders covered. It can also become a poncho, or a short skirt. The elastic waisted wide-legged pants can be worn as pants, a long skirt (both legs slipped into one pants leg), or a strapless dress (the long skirt pulled up above breasts). The dress can have the short skirt layered over it for another look. The pants can be taken off and the arms slipped into the pants legs as jacket sleeves. This pose should be with arms up, or hands on hips. Wigs should have long hair, very sprayed, so that it can be sculpted into cat ears, dogears, a bird, or abstract. Madonna 2030 can have an Afro, or dreadlocks, or whatever the director thinks appropriate for Madonna’s big change.
SET: Television studio; talk show set: rug, two stools, a plant. No visibleequipment is necessary – this is set in the future. NOTE: Althoughthe script calls for a live television shot/scene, this can be similatedby using two areas of the stage instead.
TIME: The year 2030. The world is not only fast-paced, it has become everchanging.The only certainty left is change.
PLACE: Burbank, California, USA.
SCENE: Lights up on TV studio. METTA LK is perched on a stool. Her hair (wig) is agigantic sculpture of some sort. Her costume is instantly changeable (see notes). She wearscontact lenses that are clearly not her natural color.
VOICEOVER (VO) Five … four … three … two ….
METTA LK Hello everybody, I’m Metta LK, at least for today – hey, everything changes! (She changes something about her costume) and I’ll be your talk show host on today’s Adapt or Die”.
Today’s show is primarily about one gigantic makeover. We all love those, don’t we?
Well, you’ve tuned in to the right channel for now. We have something so juicy, so tasty, so
absolutely ambrosial, you’re going to have to walk home afterwards to get rid of the calories! Just kidding! Does anyone even remember the bad old days when we had to worry about things like that? Who here remembers the year 2006? Applaud if you recall navel rings. Yes! Permanent
skin-scarring tattoos? Yes! Applaud if you ever wore a belly shirt – oh see, most of you are too
young to remember. Well, your mothers wore them. They did! And short skirts, skirts that did not transform (she transforms hers now into a poncho).They wore flip-flops – (she pulls a pair out of a pocket). Hideous aren’t they? They’re for your feet!
Hang onto your hair people – today we have a guest whose mother is stuck in 2006, and
desperately needs a makeover. Ruby, come on out here! (METTA APPLAUDS AS RUBY ENTERS)
METTA LK Have a seat. (RUBY PERCHES ON STOOL) Wait, twirl for the people, Ruby, let them see you. (RUBY TWIRLS, SHOWING OFF HER HAIR SULPTURE AND CHANGEABLE
COSTUME, WHICH SHE TRANSFORMS DURING TWIRL) Fabulous! Ruby, tell us your story.
RUBY It’s simple really, I just want to bring Abby up to 2030.
METTA LK Abby?
RUBY My mother. Her name is Abby. I want to bring her up to date. She wants to find a new partner, but she’s never going to find anyone dressed like it’s 2006.
METTA LK How true! So is she looking for a man? A woman? Or what?
RUBY She’s pretty old-fashioned …
METTA LK I guess so!
RUBY … and I think she’s what used to be called bi-sexual, but I know for a fact she’s been longing for a woman.
METTA LK How do you know that, Ruby?
RUBY She still does that thing where people use a computer to search for partners …
METTA LK You mean an airdate?
RUBY Well yes, except she still has an old iBook computer that actually works, and gets pictures on a screen and everything! I’ve seen her looking at photos of other women.
METTA LK Speaking of pictures of women, let’s take a look at your mother right now – (LIVE CAMERA SHOT OF ABBY. SHE WEARS BELLY SHIRT, SHORT SKIRT, FLIP-FLOPS)
RUBY I’m so embarrassed. (She quickly transforms her costume to something more modest).
METTA LK No need to be. You’re doing something wonderful for Abby. Let’s get Abby out here right now! Abby! Come on out!
METTA LK Abby, welcome to “Adapt or Die”. Do you have any idea why you’re here?
METTA LK Your daughter, Ruby here, has brought you to our show for a complete makeover, all expenses paid by “Adapt or Die” — now, what do you think of that?
ABBY I think I’d rather die. Come on, Ruby, let’s go.
RUBY No, Abby, wait …
METTA LK Now, now, Abby, hear us out … Ruby has your best interests at heart, don’t you, Ruby?
RUBY That’s right, Mom.
ABBY Let’s go. I don’t need a makeover.
METTA LK Oh well now, wait just a minute, Ms. Abby. If you had said you didn’t want a makeover, well,that’s one thing, but don’t need? Audience? Does Abby need a makeover? There, you see?
That’s hurtful. Ruby, why do you want to hurt me?
RUBY But …
METTA LK No one wants to hurt you. We’re here to help! In fact, Ruby says you’re looking for romance. We believe a new look could be the tool you need to create that change in your world.
RUBY Well, it’s true.
ABBY And yet, it’s nobody’s business!
RUBY Come on, Mom. It’ll be fun!
METTA LK We have the best hair sculptors in the US, the most flexible clothing designers on the West Coast. We’re going to laser off those tattoos, fill in all your piercing holes, give you some new mood contact lenses – it’ll be a brand new Abby! One ready for a new partner and a new life. Let’s get started. (MAKEOVER ARTISTS 1 AND 2 LEAD ABBY OFF-STAGE QUICKLY). Now, while Abby is being transmogrified into a woman of 2030, let’s do a quick fashion show for you. Ruby, will you lead our guest models please?
MUSIC, FASION SHOW IN WHICH CLOTHING IS TRANSFORMED THROUH ALL
MULTIPLE USES. RUBY BEGINS, THE OTHER TWO GUESTS ENTER ONE AT A
TIME. EACH MODEL TRANSFORMS HER CLOTHING AND STRIKES A POSE AFTER
EACH CHANGE. AT END OF MUSIC, THEY ALL STRIKE A POSE.
METTA LK (ENTERS WITH NEW HAIR [WIG], APPLAUDING) Fabulous! That particular set of varietal wear is by Plus Ça Change, and everyone is getting a set. The coupon is under your chairs. Let’s join Abby’s makeover in progress …
LIGHTS UP ON ABBY AND MAKEOVER ARTISTS 1 AND 2. ABBY’S HAIR [WIG] IS
STRAIGHT UP, MO ARTIST1 IS IN PROCESS OF SCULPTING IT. ABBY’S FACE IS
NOW FREE OF PIERCINGS, EARLOBE HOLES ARE FILLED IN, TATTOOS ARE GONE,
NAVEL RING IS GONE. SHE STILL WEARS ORIGINAL CLOTHING. MO ARTIST2
STANDS NEAR ABBY, HOLDING OUTFIT.
ABBY I’m not wearing that crap, so you can just take it away.
MO ARTIST2 But, ma’am …
ABBY No buts. I’m madeover as much as I can take.
MO ARTIST1 Please hold still ma’am, so I can shape this bird …
ABBY Oh, fuck the bird … fuck the fucking bird! Just leave me alone!
MO ARTIST1 Ms. Abby, ma’am, no disrespect, but I can’t leave you alone. We’re in the middle of a guest makeover, you’re going to be beautiful …
METTA LK (as voiceover)
Abby, sweetie, is everything okay back there?
ABBY Everything is fine back here. In fact, we’re all done, and I’m going home now. (SHE RISES,
MAKES TO LEAVE. IS BLOCKED BY ARTISTS 1 AND 2)
METTA LK (VO) Now, now … I’ll bet you don’t realize that we’re watching you right now, do you?
ABBY (Looking around) What???
METTA LK (VO) That’s right. Ruby and I, our audience, and all our viewers – all 360 million of us are watching every fascinating moment. (beat) And hearing every word. So shy don’t you have a seat over there and let the artists complete their work?
ABBY All right. Just for you, Ruby. And we’re going to talk about this later. Believe me.
RUBY Okay, Mom.
METTA LK (VO) Fantastic! You hear that Ruby? She’s going to want to give you her personal account of how fabulous this experience has been once it’s all over. Abby? We’re going to do another segment now. We’ll rejoin you in just a bit. But you won’t know when! Ha ha! So don’t let your hair down! Ha ha! Later!
ABBY Give me those so-called clothes! (SHE SNATCHES THEM FROM ARTIST 2, WHO EXITS.
ABBY THEN CHANGES FROM OLD OUTFIT TO NEW, REVEALING AS MUCH OR AS
LITTLE AS DIRECTOR WISHES, WHILE DELIVERING THE FOLLOWING LINES.) When I was young, we decorated our actual, physical bodies and we did it for keeps. Permanent. Now everything changes. Nothing is permanent. Not skin art, not piercings, not even the style you put on in the morning is going to be the same one you have on at noon. A skirt is a poncho. A dress is a pair of pants or a skirt, or a jacket. Even your eye color changes with your moods if you wear their damned contacts! And we’re not even talking about the hair! Why do I have to change? Why can’t someone come along and fall in love with me just as I am?
MADONNA1982 Nobody ever loves anybody just as they are. Everybody wants you to change!
ABBY That’s what I’m saying!
MADONNA 2006 That’s why I always change myself first, before someone else can try to change me.
ABBY So, are you saying I shouldn’t finish the makeover after all?
MADONNA (EXITING) Change! Change! Keep the change!
ABBY Keep the change? Oh. (SHE LOOKS INTO THE MIRROR, BEGINS TO SCULPT HER OWN
HAIR [WIG].) Well, if I’m going to do this, at least some part of it has to be me. How about
this? Now that’s a look! [ADMIRES HERSELF, STRIKES A POSE]
MO ARTISTS 1 AND 2 ENTER. Oh good, you two are back. Look, can you help me learn how to transform these clothes? What’s that you’ve got? Oh, the contacts … let me see them …
LIGHTS DOWN ON ABBY ET AL;
LIGHT UP ON TV STUDIO
METTA LK Wasn’t that a fun segment about footwear, audience? Have you ever seen cuter shoes in your life? You’re each getting a pair! The coupon is under your seat cushion! Now then, let’s get back to Abby. It’s time for her to meet her date. That’s right, we’ve done some old-fashioned matchmaking – we hired the best in the business and they collected all the available data about Abby – and we all know that’s a lot of data on somebody 50 years old! Ha ha! And they meshed that with eligible candidates until they found the one who is best suited in 98 out of 100 ways. Well, nobody’s perfect, as they say! First things first. Abby, Abby, can you hear me?
METTA LK Then come on out here and let us take a look at you. (ABBY ENTERS) Fabulous!(APPLAUDING) Ruby, what do you think of your mother now?
RUBY (in tears) Beautiful … (ABBY AND RUBY CAREFULLY HUG)
METTA LK One more surprise in store, Abby, one more glorious surprise! Now the audience already knows, so I think we’ll just let you see for yourself when we call in …. Madonna! Madonna, come on out here!
MADONNA 2030 Nice to meet you, Abby.
ABBY Oh my God! Madonna! But you’re, you’re …
MADONNA 2030 Black? I know. I had the ultimate makeover … I changed my skin color. You like?
ABBY I … I …
MADONNA 2030 I know. Isn’t it great? I like your makeover too, by the way.
ABBY I… I …
METTA LK And the two of you are going on an all expense paid trip to Fiji for two weeks. You leave right now, your limo is waiting. Have a terrific time, Abby. We know you’ve been a Madonna fan your whole life – now you get to experience her close up! Remember – “Adapt or Die!” Bye bye everybody, don’t forget, today’s program was brought to you by Plus Ça Change. Au revoir!