THE BOBBSEY TWINS GO TO HELL by Sandra de Helen
© Sandra de Helen
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
FLOSSIE Middle-aged woman.
FREDDIE Middle-aged man. Flossie’s twin.
NAN Sixteen year old girl. Older sister of Flossie and Freddie.
BERT Sixteen year old boy. Nan’s twin.
DEVIL Person of indeterminate race, age and gender.
SETTING:
Freddie’s bachelor apartment; then Hell.
TIME:
Present
SCENE ONE
SETTING: Interior of Freddie’s bachelor apartment.
AT RISE: FREDDIE is sleeping. LIGHTS UP HALF
SOUND: PHONE RINGS
FREDDIE
(Picks up phone) Hmmm?
FLOSSIE
(On phone) Fred? Freddie, wake up, it’s me.
FREDDIE
Flossie, for God’s sake, do you know what time it is?
FLOSSIE
Yes.
FREDDIE
Well?
FLOSSIE
Well what?
FREDDIE
What time is it?
FLOSSIE
I didn’t call you up in the middle of the night to give you the time of day, Freddie.
FREDDIE
What the hell is it then?
FLOSSIE
That’s it!
FREDDIE
What?
FLOSSIE
Hell! Freddie, listen to me. We’re going to hell!
FREDDIE
Look, Sis, I know we’re not perfect, but I think that’s a bit strong …
FLOSSIE
Shut up Fred. Get dressed. I’m coming right over.
FREDDIE
Did you join a cult again? Because if you did, I’m not …
FLOSSIE
Get dressed. Wear something cool. We’re going to hell. (Hangs up the phone.)
FREDDIE
Flossie, I mean it … Oh Christ, she’s already on her way. (He slips on pants and sandals, has
tee-shirt half on, covering his head and face, when FLOSSIE ENTERS, FLIPS ON LIGHTS)
Hey! How’d you get here so fast?
FLOSSIE
I live next door, remember?
FREDDIE
But …
FLOSSIE
And I was already dressed, now come on!
SCENE TWO
SETTING: Hell. Disgustingly disorganized, grungy, badly lit.
NAN and BERT are perched on piles of dirty clothes or boxes of trash, etc.
BERT
This place is disgusting!
NAN
Shut the fuck up!
BERT
Watch your language!
NAN
Why? I watched it my entire life and for what? I end up in hell!
BERT
I know it. So unfair! What did we ever do?
NAN
Well, you were driving too fast on a wet road. That’s how we ended up here.
BERT
No. That’s how we got killed. But why we’re not in heaven is a total mystery.
NAN
Oh a total mystery. Why don’t you call that snotty bitch Nancy Drew and get her to solve it for
you?
BERT
Nan!
NAN
Or those hot Hardy boys – I could use some sex over here. Don’t look so shocked, I died a virgin,
you know. And since I’m already in hell, I might as well get some action.
BERT
Say! Do you think Nancy Drew might go for me?
NAN
In your dreams, Bert Bobbsey. She seems a lot more interested in her sidekicks, Bess and George,
than she does in boys.
BERT
Maybe all three of them would go for me?
NAN
You? You are too square. Besides, I don’t think they’re actually down here. I heard they’re still
solving mysteries.
BERT
Shoot.
NAN
Back to my problem. Have you seen any cute boys that might give me a tumble?
BERT
(Resigned) Well, there’s always River Phoenix or Jim Morrison.
NAN
No! Those boys were dope fiends! I have my standards.
BERT
How about James Dean? He claims he was pretty hot.
NAN
Yeah, hot for other boys.
BERT
Oh. It is rough here, trying to meet decent people. Do you ever wish we hadn’t died so young?
NAN
Do you ever wish anything but?
BERT
Sometimes I wish Freddie and Flossie were here.
NAN
It was keen to have them worship us the way they did.
BERT
They were so cute, always following us around.
NAN
I hated that.
BERT
You’re right! What a nuisance. I guess we’re better off without them.
NAN
I wonder what ever happened to Dinah and Sam?
BERT
They were great! They would do anything for us.
NAN
They were our servants.
BERT
Oh right.
NAN
They probably went to that other place.
BERT
Oh right. There’s probably a colored entrance.
NAN
You fool. That’s not true – look around you. Hell is completely integrated.
BERT
Oh yeah. So where are they?
NAN
In heaven, I suppose. Unless they lived to be 100.
BERT
Hmmm. What about our parents then?
NAN
Don’t start sniveling and whining, or we’ll never get out of here.
BERT
We can get out???
NAN
I’m not certain, but I have noticed a few select people disappearing from time to time.
BERT
You mean if we’re really good we might get out?
NAN
Hey, look at those two, they look like they just got off the trolley.
FLOSSIE AND FREDDIE ENTER
FLOSSIE
Nan! Bert!
NAN
Mama! Daddy!
FREDDIE
Nan, stop fooling around. It’s me, Freddie.
BERT
Freddie? Gosh man, you’re so old!
FLOSSIE
Gosh, you two haven’t changed a bit!
NAN
Well, my goodness, you certainly have.
FLOSSIE
Come on, don’t be such a twit. We’re 54 years old. You wouldn’t look so hot either if you
weren’t still 16.
BERT
So, what killed you two? Tragic accident?
NAN
Freddie, tell me you weren’t driving too fast on a wet road!
FLOSSIE
We’re not dead, we … We came to get you out.
NAN
(To Bert) See?
BERT
Back to Lakeport?
FLOSSIE
Well, out of hell.
FREDDIE
Flossie says you can be redeemed.
NAN
Some kind of religious ceremony? Because I don’t remember much about church.
BERT
Me neither.
FLOSSIE
Shut up and listen.
NAN
Watch it kid, I’m still your big sister, and I can whip your butt.
FLOSSIE
Sorry.
BERT
Go on, Flossie. Come here, Freddie, sit on my knee like you used to. (FRED sits on Bert’s knee.)
FLOSSIE
I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you two were terrible role models for me and Fred, and
that’s why you went to Hell.
NAN and BERT
What? (NAN jumps up and slaps FLOSSIE; BERT dumps FRED in the floor.)
NAN
I was never anything but the best big sister a girl could have!
BERT
And Freddie, I taught you everything you know!
FLOSSIE
You were both racist, classist, ageist snobs and you still are!
BERT
What do you mean? We never got in trouble, we never hung around with bad kids like that Danny
Rugg.
FREDDIE
But you treated African-Americans like crap. Had Dinah and Sam picking up after you, washing
your clothes, hauling you around town …
NAN
They were our servants!
FLOSSIE
They were people!
ENTER DEVIL
DEVIL
What’s going on here? As if I didn’t know.
BERT
Nothing, sir.
NAN
Sir? I thought she was a woman.
FREDDIE
Woman? He’s a guy, and my age if he’s a day!
DEVIL
(Indicating Flossie and Freddie) You two! Get out of my underworld! You don’t belong here!
FLOSSIE
Oh, we’re getting out. But we’re taking them with us.
DEVIL
You think you’ve redeemed them? What? By informing them that they were never politically
correct?
FLOSSIE
Yes, by informing them. They’re good people; they can change.
NAN
Flossie, it’s no use. We don’t even know what you’re talking about. Go on, leave us to rot in hell.
BERT
No, wait! We don’t deserve to rot in hell. Quick, Fred, tell me everything I need to know!
FREDDIE
I can’t man, I’m not even sure that I’m politically correct myself more than half the time.
FLOSSIE
It’s your heart, that’s all … if you have a good heart, why you will learn to do the right things. It
takes time, but you’ll have time, if you’ll just come with us!
DEVIL
Come with you? Back to a place they’ve never known? Where they’ll go around saying all the
wrong things, all the damned time? Nan, Bert, my sweets, it’s not worth it. You’ll have a lot
more fun right here, believe me!
NAN
I haven’t had any fun yet!
BERT
Me neither. Besides, this place is a dump.
DEVIL
Is that all you need? A little fixing up and some fun? How about a New York apartment facing
Central Park?
BERT
You can make this look like New York?
DEVIL
Mmmm hmmm. And how about a girl or two for you, luscious Bert?
NAN
Hey! What about me?
DEVIL
Poor Nan, you horny girl you, what’s the matter? Can’t find your type here? I’ll be happy to go
pluck one for you — you name him, I’ll get him. Brad Pitt perhaps?
NAN/BERT
Brad who?
FLOSSIE
Hey, wait a minute, you can’t go around taking living people!
DEVIL
Oh, I don’t know. You’re kind of cute. I like your spunk. Maybe I’ll take you. (Points finger at
Flossie. FLOSSIE grabs her chest.)
FREDDIE
Hey! Leave my sister alone!
NAN
So, this Brad Pitt, would he like me?
BERT/FREDDIE/FLOSSIE
Nan!
DEVIL
If I want him to, he’ll like you very much indeed. You’ll have the hottest sex you can imagine.
NAN
Ooooh. And a nice place too?
DEVIL
I can provide those things, and I can provide them forever! Can you say that Mizzz Flossie?
NAN
Mizzz? What’s that?
DEVIL
Equal rights for women, my dear.
NAN
I like the sound of that!
FLOSSIE
We don’t exactly have equal rights, Nan, but we have come a long way.
DEVIL
A long way? In how many years?
FLOSSIE
That doesn’t matter! Nan, you don’t want to stay in hell, do you?
NAN
I’m not sure. I need to think.
BERT
Wait a minute, if girls have “come a long way”, what about men? What’s going on out there?
FREDDIE
It’s not so bad.
BERT
Not so bad?
FREDDIE
Okay, it’s not what it used to be. White men don’t totally rule the world anymore, but there’s an
up side!
BERT
What is an up side?
FREDDIE
The good stuff! Like, women work outside the home, now, have their own money.
BERT
Outside the home? You mean, women are the gardeners now?
FLOSSIE
Bert, just come on! We’ll fill you in later.
DEVIL
You might as well give up. Nan and Bert will be much happier here. They can’t leave unless their
hearts are fully committed to going. And you’ve only got 10 seconds left.
FLOSSIE
Ten seconds! I didn’t know we had a time limit!
DEVIL
You do if I say so … 7 … 6 … 5 …
FLOSSIE GRABS THE HANDS OF
BOTH NAN AND BERT, STARTS TO
EXIT
FREDDIE
(Pushing them all) Don’t look back! Nobody look back!
THEY EXIT
DEVIL
They’ll be back. No one can be politically correct their entire lives.
LIGHTS FADE
THE END